What is a Facebook Friend?
by
Eric Paul Nolte
I recently embarrassed myself when I behaved a bit like a horse’s ass on the Facebook Message site. What? Little old mild mannered me? I, who have often been called a warm and kind man of gentle soul? Yup.
How did this happen?
In the wake of having my friend request denied, I exchanged testy salvos with the wife of a young man I greatly admire. This man is the author of books I have placed on my short list of the best books I own. I’ve met this man a couple times at talks he gave in New York when he was on book tours, and our meetings were warm and respectful, in contrast to the exchange between his wife and me.
Now, I rarely ask anybody to be a Facebook friend of mine, but I did so in this case because his wife had written something on her husband’s Facebook page that made me like the way she thinks and inspired me to ask her to join my circle of friends.
This little episode brings into sharp focus the question of what a Facebook friend is. This woman and I clearly had clashing ideas on the matter.
So, just what is a friend, really, and how might this concept align with or differ from the kind of person we befriend on Facebook?
Aristotle is always a good place to start with deep questions. Aristotle said that friendship is a benevolent and mutual bond between people whose ties are independent of the familial or sexual. There are three levels of friendship: 1. The useful, as between those engaged in a common project or work. 2. The pleasant, as between companions who hang out together for mutual entertainment. 3. The good or virtuous bond between people who are drawn together by mutual esteem. In essence, at its deepest level, this mutual esteem between the like-minded makes one think of the friend as almost another self.
I would think that a Facebook friend can rightly fall into any of Aristotle’s categories here. But a Facebook friend can also be someone we have never met; many of mine are.
For me, a Facebook friend is many things. Yes, I have close personal friends and family here. I also have old college buddies and colleagues from work and other adventures. Yet I have also received Facebook friend requests from people I have never met.
By what criteria should we allow others into our Facebook circle?
Now, I have the possibly delusional notion that as I continue to nudge my music and writing out into the wider world, my Facebook page and other social media may prove to be an advantage for me, so I have never insisted that I must personally know someone before accepting a friend request.
For me, when I get a FB friend request, I always go to that person’s FB page to sniff the air and verify a whiff of sanity, and if we also have some FB friends in common, I usually have no fear of accepting the request.
Without having given the matter any thought, I had assumed that my own criteria for FB friendship were universal and really the only reasonable view.
For this person who denied my FB friend request, there is another standard: she said that before allowing others into her circle, she demands that they have met personally, no exceptions. Hers is a far more restrictive standard than mine. So be it. There is nothing wrong with that, but I had never considered the matter.
In the end, what is a Facebook friend? As it turns out, to my embarrassed surprise, when I gave the matter some thought I realized that, of course, a Facebook friend is, like every other value in life, whatever you want it to be! It’s your choice.
Once again, confirmation bias, humanity’s Original Sin, rears its ugly head. I could see no farther than what I myself believed was the reasonable standard of online friendship. Mea culpa. I’m so sorry!
I foolishly expressed surprise and indignation at having my FB friend request denied, and the gal responded by blocking me from her FB page! Then I felt both ridiculous and embarrassed. Here I was denied even the salve of being able to apologize for my apparently boorish expression of indignation and wounded pride. So, wife of that wonderful author, if you read this—you know who you are—please accept my apology here.
E P N
2017.0602
c. 750 words
